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Hug N' Bugs/Transcript
This is a transcript of the episode "Hug N' Bugs" from Bless the Harts. Jenny: Oh, hey, Norma. I'll take that mail. Norma: You better take a look at this one. Your water's getting shut off in three days. Jenny: Damn, Norma. You're not supposed to be reading people's mail. Norma: Oh, I don't read it. It's just that when you're this late, they put the threats on the outside. They even got a cute little cartoon for people who don't read. Jenny: Oh, man, right in the middle of her shower? Okay, that's rude. Norma: Well, I got to keep moving or the government will zap my collar. (laughs) Jenny: Okay, Norma. Wait, what? (Norma's collar buzzes) Jenny: All right, y'all, I got my full caffeine Mountain Punch in my fancy cup, aka I am now invincible and ready to triage these bills. Wayne: Jenny, baby, there is nothing I enjoy more than watching you hulk out over a pile of bills. (chuckles) I'll never forget our second date. You chugged a bottle of soda, called up my Internet company, gave them a piece of your beautiful mind, and got my bill cut in half. It was so dang sexy. Jenny: Oh, Wayne, wrangling discounts is my love language. Wayne: So romantic. Jenny: Okay, what have we got? "Dear Sir or Madam"? Don't know my name, don't get my money. Ignore. Wayne: You can do this, Jenny. You are smart, you are hot, and you are rich. In every way not measured by a bank. Jenny: "Final Notice" from U-Storage? More like "U Ignoreage." (laughs) Wait. We don't have a storage unit. Betty: (laughs) Jenny! Get in here. I gotta show you something good. (Jenny walks in from the kitchen.) Betty: (showing Jenny) This dang me-me's so true I can't stand it. Jenny: Mother, it's meme, meme. Betty: Look how mad Leon DiCarpio is in this me-me. He's thinking about that last oreo. Jenny: Oh good lord, mother, literally every other word you said was wrong. It's meme, not me-me. Betty: I'm pretty sure it's me-me. And I should know cause I'm the queen of me-me's. Jenny: (groans) Can you tell me why in the hell we're getting a bill from U-Storage? Betty: Well, Jenny, just like every other person in America, I have a secret storage unit. Jenny: Mother, they're gonna shut off our water. Say bye to that storage unit. March on down there and clear out your crap, please. Betty: Okay, I didn't want to have to tell you this, Nosey O'Donnell, but that storage unit contains a high-dollar gold mine. Jenny: Oh, good Lord, what have you done? Just spill it. Betty: No can do. The less you know, the better. Wealth changes people, and just like Jake Nicholston says ... (Betty prints out a meme which reads "You can't handle the truth.") Jenny: Fine. I'll just go down to U-Storage myself and see what's going on. Betty: Go right ahead. Won't make any difference without the key. (Betty enters) (dryer buzzes loudly) Violet: Ugh. (groans) Betty: Don't mind me, baby. Just need to get to my office nook. Violet: Slash my bedroom, slash art studio, slash pantry and general store, slash the junk drawer where I sleep. (Jenny enters) Violet: Ugh. Jenny: Oh, hi, baby. I just popped in here to yell at your gram. Violet: Slash argument zone. Jenny: Mother, you are telling me where that key is. Violet: Oh, no doubt it's in here, along with everything else - in the entire universe. Jenny: Oh, so sorry, sweetie. I feel so bad your room is such a multipurpose space. (gasps) There's my peach mango Crystal Light! Betty: Get your hands off that peach mango Crystal Light. It's mine. Jenny: Mother, there's 16 canisters here. Relax. (Jenny sighs) Jenny: Come on, Mother, let's leave Violet alone. (Betty and Jenny leave) (dryer buzzes loudly) Violet: Ugh! (glass breaks) Wayne: That's me. Laundry's done. Dryer's broken over at my house. I dried my trampoline cover and didn't realize there were a bunch of pine cones in there. Hey, that's a cool-looking dude. He looks like a badass with what is that? A big knife or a little sword? Violet: Well, it's a saber, and this is Indigo who grew up with mystical powers, and this is her origin story where she's meeting Demos for the first time. He's, like, her real dad. Wayne: Oh, so her dad has, uh, dragon wings? And what is that? A cool-ass hoop earring? Violet: This is more of an idealized proto-form of the entire - concept of "Father." Wayne: Cool, cool, cool. Wayne: (thinking) That little girl in the drawing is obviously Violet, and that idealized proto-dude is clearly her biological dad, and he's got awesome proto-hair and a kick-ass proto-jawline, and I'm not in here anywhere. Hold on. Am I a stump? People sit on me? (Wanye sighs) Violet: Wait, Wayne, how long have you been talking to yourself? Wayne: (talking to himself)Should you clear your throat? Or make a sound like you've been thinking or something? Wayne: Ope-de-dope, dope, dope. Wayne: (thinking) That bought us some time. Now, where were we? Violet: Wayne? You-you okay? Wayne: Yup. (points to Violet's drawing) Hey, what's this little dealio? Violet: Oh, that's her magical haven, Fort Indigo. Her father built it for her so she could have a space all to herself. Before her father found her, she was living with two hoarding trolls who fought constantly over crystal lights. (Jenny and Betty are arguing outside.) Jenny: Mother, relax. Betty: I can't relax. Food Lion doesn't carry Crystal Lights anymore. Jenny: Hey, Vi, can I borrow these? Violet: Sure. Betty: The lemon flavor tastes like medicine. Jenny: (in Betty's room) Mother, I'm not disagreeing that peach mango is the best flavor! Now, where would that key be? ChapStick, bejeweled calculator, obviously, random indoor rock wait a minute. Bingo. (Jenny heads off to U-Storage with the key) Jenny: Okay, let's see what's in this gold mine. Oh, my Lord! (calls Betty) Mother? I found your little investment stash! Get your flat butt down here right now! Jenny: Mother, this is your secret investment? Betty: You remember Hug N' Bugs. The collectible sensation that swept the nation in the 1990s. Jenny: Mother, I-I can't believe you! Betty: Jenny, these things are gonna be worth a fortune someday. Jenny:'''Well, it's official. You are one sneaky little, (changes reaction) genius! (both laughing) We gonna be rich! Look at all this! It's Hug N' Bug heaven! It's amazing! '''Betty: Right? Do you remember the commercial? Betty: Do I remember the commercial? Oh, are you kidding me? (Commercial plays) Look! Hug N' Bugs! ANNOUNCER: The cuddliest combination of current events and pop culture you'll ever hug! Kids:'''Sir Mix-a-Lot Hubble Telescope! Tamagotchi O.J.trial! Tonya Harding Don't Ask, Don't Tell! Bagel Bites Clinton Impeachment! The Rachel Haircut Magic Johnson HIV Press Conference! '''Chorus: Cuddly and topical, sometimes even tropical I got to get my hands on those Hug N' Bugs! (kids laughing) Jenny: Oh, I thought they stopped making these things when they realized they were flammable. Betty: Yes, they did. But their combustibility just added to their scarcity and made them super valuable. Jenny: Oh, Lord, yes. How valuable do you think? Come on, let's get into those numbers. Betty: I honestly think we are looking at - 50,000 to 75,000! Jenny: Oh, this is great. I think we should sell one or two right now, you know, just to get out from under this water bill problem. Betty: And wreck the integrity of the collection? No way, Jose Canseco Y2K Hug N' Bug. Leonard: No way we can build all this, Wayne. This is an impossible structure. What is this, an eyeball window? And stairs that lead to nowhere? And a-a midair gargoyle? - What would even hold that up? Dreams? I don't think they sell that at the hardware store. Wayne: Well, good, 'cause we're not buying anything at the hardware store. We're gonna build it out of found objects from the scrapyard. Not gonna cost a dime. We have to. Look at this comic she's writing. Leonard: Is that Brad Pitt? Wayne: Worse. It's her biological dad. And look over here. Leonard: Oh, Lord. You're a stump? Wayne: Yeah. Just a dumb-ass stump doing nothing but farting oxygen. Leonard: That is not good. Not even a full tree. Wayne: Meanwhile, her perfect biological dad built this cool little house for her. So guess what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna real-life build this cool little house for her, so maybe she'll start to see me as her father figure, and I'll get a better part in her comic book. Leonard:'''That's a good idea, Wayne. Wrong dot com, backslash nope. Wayne, you're sweet, y'all, but you can't compete with Violet's biological daddy. Violet's real dad, Don Reynolds, is a local legend. Also, he owns the Triad's only custom pool installation business. Oh, and don't forget about his thick, silvery hair that screams, "I own a boat," which he does. '''Wayne: Oh, hey, Leonard. We're building this fort exactly the way Violet drew it. Jenny: Great news, Nelson Mandela Super Soaker Hug N' Bug. I'm setting you free! Brenda: Jenny, word to the wise: be mindful of reflections. Jenny: What do you mean, Brenda? Brenda When I was selling my slow cooker, everyone on Craigslist saw my cooter reflection in the sliding glass door. (pauses) Well, have a good one. (Brenda leaves) Jenny: Let's go (sighs) $150. (heavenly music) Jesus: Whatcha doing? Something fun, I hope. Jenny: Oh, Jesus, I'm so excited. My mother has a whole storage unit of these gems. Jesus: Oh, I remember these little things. Cuddly and topical Both: (singing) Sometimes even tropical Got to get my hands on those Hug N' Bugs! Jesus: Yeah, those things were cute. They're completely worthless, though. Jenny: Nuh-uh. When I was a kid, someone bought the Jonathan Taylor Thomas Desert Storm Hug N' Bug, for $6,000. Jesus:'''That's because people go crazy for fads, and then they move on. I've seen them all come and go: leg warmers, Pet Rocks, flappers. There was this thing called the Bronze Age. Everyone went crazy for bronze. They couldn't keep it on the shelves, which were themselves made of bronze. Couple hundred years later, bam, everyone's all about iron. You couldn't give bronze away. It's literally synonymous with third place now. And old baby shoes. So weird. '''Jenny: Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree because these things are gonna sell like hotcakes. Jesus: Hotcakes were another fad. Now it's avocado toast. (phone chimes) Jenny: Ah! Yes! It sold! Look, for a 150 bucks, just like I knew it would. Jesus: Woo-hoo! Good for you. Sometimes I'm wrong. Jenny: You are? Jesus: Never. (Jesus sipping) (website chiming) Binh Ly: Woo-hoo! You won the auction. Betty: Yeah! Oops, that fist pump cost me my pointer and my pinkie. Can you give me a touch-up? (music) Got to get my hands, I got to get my hands, I got to get my hands on those Hug N' Bugs! Grab 'em and squeeze 'em, squeeze 'em and grab 'em, Hug 'em and love 'em, love 'em, don't lose them, Keep 'em or share 'em, share 'em or take 'em, Hide 'em or show 'em, display 'em or throw 'em, They're lots of fun for everyone! Cuddly and topical, sometimes even tropical, I got to get my hands on those Hug N' Bugs! (Betty screams) Wayne: Okay, Violet, you ready? Check out your new art studio! Look familiar? Violet: You literally built what I drew? Fort Indigo? Wayne: Just nailed a few boards together, all found objects. Defied the laws of physics. (Wayne scoffs) No big whoop. Violet:'''I want to go in there and become a full-on shut-in. '''Wayne: Yes! (grunts) Violet: I'm gonna get my stuff. Wayne: (thinking) Did you see that hug? That was a dad hug, both in length and emotion. You just graduated from gassy stump to warrior dad. She wants to stay in that fortress forever.Suck on that, Don Reynolds! Hang on. Is someone standing there? Okay, I just need to reengage by making another perfectly crafted thinking sound. Wayne: Yeep-a-doodle. How we doing today? Inspector: ''' Greenpoint Building Inspector. '''Wayne: Oh, hey. Stopped by to admire my handiwork? Inspector: No. I am here to tell you that this structure violates every fire code, zoning code, building code, and social code we have. Bobbie-Nell: That's why I called 'em. Wayne: Bobbie-Nell, mind your own business. Bobbie-Nell: My business went under, and you know that! I called the inspector on your ass 'cause that thing looks like a devil church. Wayne: Hey, shut up, Bobbie Nell! It's an art studio, not a devil church. Bobbie-Nell: Looks like a devil church to me. Wayne: I cannot emphasize this enough. It is absolutely not a devil church. Inspector: Oh, I-I wish you hadn't been so emphatic 'cause there's, like, a million special exemptions for churches, even devil churches, but since you really slammed the door on that idea, it's gonna have to come down by the end of the week. Wayne: What? You can't tell a man what he can and can't do on his girlfriend's mother's property. Inspector: Well, if you want to appeal, you can take it up with the zoning board, but they do not take kindly to alternative, whimsical structures like this. Wayne: Oh, I will take it up with them, and they'll see that this is a completely normal and practical structure, no whimsy at all. Leonard: (riding the slide) Look at me on a dragon's tail! Bobbie-Nell: See that? That right there is whimsy. (Betty walks into the storage unit. Jenny is hiding inside taking the toys.) Betty: (singing) Investing in my future, y'all Gonna make a mint, boy It's all happening Hug N' Bugs. (Jenny peeps) Jenny: Mother! Betty: Jenny? Hug 'N Busted. Betty: Sneaking in here to steal my Hug N' Bugs. Oh, you better start talking. Jenny: You better start talking. Betty: Y'all, stop messing, you little Judas. What are you doing with my Hug N' Bugs? Jenny: I'm selling them so our water doesn't get shut off. And wh-what the hell is that in your hand? You said you weren't gonna buy any more. Betty: This was a killer deal. Some nutso named "hugbugofficial34!" was dumb enough to sell a limited edition Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Fruitopia Hug N' Bug to me for 150 bucks. Jenny: Mother, I'm "hugbugofficial34!" Which I guess makes you "jasonmomoafan$$" Betty: How do you know? Jenny:'''Because you bought that Hug N' Bug from me! '''Betty: So you lied to me online? Which is a felony. Jenny: Not even close. Betty: Well, thank you very much for making me into a sucker. Jenny: And all that extra money I made was just our money. Oh, our water is definitely gonna get shut off. Betty: Oh, please. They can't turn water off. Can you turn off rain? Can they turn off the ocean? What are they gonna do? Come over and put corks in all our faucets? (Betty sings in the shower) Betty: R-E-X-P-A-T-E Find out what it needs to be (water turns off) Ooh, r'uh-r'oh. Jenny: Not gonna shut off the water off, huh? Betty: Now, y'all, don't get hysterical. Jenny: No, Mother. I am gonna get hysterical. We have no water, Violet's got school in the morning, and I'm gonna have to remove this mask with Diet Dr. Mister! (Mayor Webb is talking to Randy at the city hall) Mayor Webb: Since adding cat boxes to your windows would increase the square footage of your residence, I'm afraid we're gonna have to deny your permit. Randy: But Ozzy Pawsbourne needs his sunshine! He has seasonal affective disorder, babies. Webb: Well, then you and Ozzy Pawsbourne should've read the dang code. Audience: Randy, get out of here! That's enough, Randy! Webb: (taps his gavel) All right, next up, a non-permitted, Tim Burton-esque structure made of found objects. Look, I don't even know why we're hearing this. Should we all just get lunch? We all want Thai. Thai? Thai? Thai? Thai? Thai? Thai? - Thai? Denise: Is the juice place off the table? Webb: For lunch? Denise! We get it. You're vegan. You can find some at the Thai place. Come on, let's just deny this and move on. Wayne: Wait, hang on a second. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I may not have followed all the rules and regulations when I built this structure, but some zones can't be contained by city laws. I'm talking about this zone right here. Randy: He means his nipple, baby! Audience: Randy! That's not what he meant. Wayne: Randy, come on, man. No. My heart. This structure is for my girlfriend's daughter Violet. She loves that studio, and I love her and will do anything in my power to make her happy. Now, her father, Don Reynolds, - may be rich and handsome... City Councilman: (interrupts) Great guy! I mean, he's got that successful pool business. Another city Councilman: Oh, he installed my pool. Did a great job. Webb: Denied. (bangs his gavel) Sorry about that, Wayne, but say hey to Don for us, won't you? Who's ready for Thai? Thai? Thai? (Denise groans) (Employee's bubble gum bubble pops) Employee: We can't turn your water back on because your payment bounced. Betty: Well, what if we paid you with something that's even better than money? JENNY: This is an authentic Colin Powell Macarena Hug N' Bug.Mint condition. Original tag. (singing) Certificate of authenticity. (Employee's bubble gum bubble pops) Betty: Okay, I get it. You can't say the words. I'll just leave this here, and now we are turning around, and now we're turning back around, and And the Hug N' Bug is still there. Employee: Mm, let me show y'all something, okay? Betty:'''Axl Rose Budweiser Frogs. The one that was accidentally made with two bandanas? Oh, that one is ultra rare. The Bug-head who owns this is gonna make a mint. '''Employee: Mm-mm, no.That's my listing. I had that thing up there for five years, and not one bite. Jenny: Mother, did anyone ever bid against you? No, no one. Betty: Oh, shoot, y'all. I see what happened. This is one of those classic "I wasted all our money on worthless, flammable toys" situations. Jenny: Classic. (Jesus comes and sits next to Jenny) Jenny: I know you can't give me cash, so maybe you can just do me this one solid? Jesus: I'm sorry, Jenny, it just doesn't work that way. I can only turn water into wine. I can't do it the other way around. And besides, this box is half-empty, and this one isn't even wine. It's a rosÃ©-flavored vodka. Jenny: Well, can you help me out at all? I know the answer's no. Jesus: (singing) All I can say is I work in mysterious ways. Jenny: Wait, so you'll help me? Jesus: (singing) Who knows? Jenny: Well, that sounds like a yes. Jesus: (singing) Or it could be a no. Jenny: Well, see, you can't singsong like that unless it's a yes. Jesus: (singing) Not necessarily. Jenny: Okay, God, this is really annoying. Jesus: (singing) Or is it mysterious fun? (Jenny groans) Violet: So this whole thing has to come down? Wayne: I'm sorry, Violet. I really whiffed it with this project. I freaked out after I read your comic and I wanted you to see that I could be a Brad Pitt Demos guy and not just a farty old stump. Violet: Oh, Wayne. You didn't finish reading the whole thing. Demos gets banished into another dimension on page four and Fort Indigo blows up, but not before your stump grows into a tree that saves Indigo and helps her find her way home. (Wayne sniffles softly and hugs Violet) Wayne: Aw. Violet: O-kay. Betty: Going over to Bobbie-Nell's to try and trade these Bugs for ten minutes of hose water. Wayne: Tell her not to smoke around those things. They will full-on bust into flames. Violet: Wayne, you just gave me a great idea. Violet: Gram, want to do the honors? Betty: You bet your butt I do. (phone chimes) Jenny: Oh, my Lord. There's a bid on the Colin Powell Macarena Hug N' Bug. $600? Mother? Betty: It's not me. Jenny: Well, we got to put that fire out! We don't have any water. Wayne: (thinking) Wayne, you should get your ass in there and save the day. Wait. How long have I been thinking again? Wayne: Doodily doopski. Jenny: What? Wayne: I'm going in. (Wayne runs into the burning studio) Jenny: No! Wayne! Don't! Violet: It's too dangerous. Jenny: Be careful, Wayne! Oh, be careful. (Wayne comes out) (Everyone cheers) (The studio explodes) Everyone:'''Yeah! Yeah, yeah! (fireworks whistling and popping) '''Betty: Oh, beautiful! Jenny: Okay. Everybody ready? Violet: Mm-hmm. Betty: Yep, y'all. Jenny: One, two, let it flow! (water flows) Woohoo! Wayne:'''Water, I could kiss you. '''Betty: Jason Momoa as my witness, I will never turn this water off. I'm gonna take a four-hour shower. Someone time me. Jenny: Okay, I'm gonna flush one more time, and then we really got to quit playing, 'cause we do not want to run up this water bill again. Betty: Did we ever find out who bought that one Hug N' Bug? Jenny: I have no idea, but thank you, "four-star-baller69?" (chuckles and sighs) Whoever you are. (March music playing) Colin's wife: Colin, Colin, stop admiring your collection and come to dinner! Colin: In a minute. You've seen some real action, my friend. But you're home now. No Bug left behind. (Colin starts dancing) (upbeat march version of "Macarena" playing.) (Colin finishes dancing, then closes the door) Category:Transcripts